People may hate you but smile at you?

I don’t know. I’ve been feeling a little down and out recently, and I’ve started to think about my life and all my friends. So far, I’ve only kept in contact with my JC friends. My secondary school friends seemed to have their own private lives now so I no longer keep in contact with them.

Somehow I wonder, have I been a bastard? Sometimes you say things that you never thought is hurtful, but it is. Sometimes you think its a joke, but it isn’t. Sometimes you hurt someone without knowing it. Sometimes the mistakes you do make people remember it for life.

Isn’t that sad? Recently I think about the mistakes I make with my OG in university. I wonder how many of them have a good impression of me. Somehow I feel sad to say that I don’t think many of them have a good impression of me. Perhaps they may laugh and smile, but how am I to know I have not done something that made them unhappy?

I remember a time when I yelled the wrong cheer and everyone had to change to mine because I was the loudest. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I’m sure many people are angry too. Somehow, I don’t know why, but I feel that some people are quiet to me and I can just feel that it is difficult to talk to them. I wonder if I have been a bastard and did many hurtful things to them.

Now I wonder if the friends who have been laughing with me, at my jokes and everything, have been truly with me. Whilst I can say that I am completely at ease with my JC clique and I can confide in them a good many things, I can’t say for sure of my university friends. For I fear some of them have bad impressions of me and not many have good impressions of me.

Pardon me, but I just feel depressed. I just can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I made, even when they arn’t mistakes according to others, but they are to me. Haiz.