Well its that time of the year again when the semester comes and as a result you get to see more friends and then people ask you not to mug when you arn’t really mugging. Anyway I have said many times here that working / studying is not mugging. Mugging seems to mean more about intense studying rather than just doing normal tutorials.

Anyway I just hope all this mugging talk will stop. When you see someone working, it doesn’t mean he’s mugging. He may be doing something related to his studies, but he isn’t mugging. You see, lets say if you were configuring your software that the University requires you to have, yet you have certain problems regarding the software,the first logical thing is to find help. If you are discussing with a fellow friend about the software, and is getting frustrated because the software doesn’t seem to be working well, that’s not mugging. That’s not even studying.

In the first place, why do people need to label you as a mugger? What is the purpose? Is the purpose to justify your grades? Or to put you in a lower caste? Or just plain wanting to seem hip and cool and put you in the category of nerds and geeks? By the way people, you may end up working for a geek as a boss, so please don’t think geeks as a derogatory term. It’s these computer geeks that have created so many companies today like Microsoft, Google, Facebook and what have you.

So please stop all these labeling of muggers thing, because it only serves to boost the ego of those who appear to slack, but it actually hurts these “muggers” you call because you use it not as praise but as insult.

Anyway, I think I do have the right to study hard, isn’t it? Besides, I just feel that I need to make use of my time better. I’m not just any undergraduate. I’m interested in many other things like IT and entrepreneurship and I’m trying to make my website work. Hell, would you rather me working on my PHP programming in front of you?

So, the next time you call someone a mugger, think of these things:
1) He may feel that its an insult because you seem to be telling people that he is weird and should be kept seperate.
2) He may not have much time due to other commitments, EVEN WHEN HE DOES NOT HAVE A CCA.
3) There is nothing wrong with studying hard actually.
4) It’s childish to label someone a mugger.

For friends who read my blog, if you understand what I’m trying to say, good. Keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone else. You have just learnt to understand me better.

I don’t know. I’ve been feeling a little down and out recently, and I’ve started to think about my life and all my friends. So far, I’ve only kept in contact with my JC friends. My secondary school friends seemed to have their own private lives now so I no longer keep in contact with them.

Somehow I wonder, have I been a bastard? Sometimes you say things that you never thought is hurtful, but it is. Sometimes you think its a joke, but it isn’t. Sometimes you hurt someone without knowing it. Sometimes the mistakes you do make people remember it for life.

Isn’t that sad? Recently I think about the mistakes I make with my OG in university. I wonder how many of them have a good impression of me. Somehow I feel sad to say that I don’t think many of them have a good impression of me. Perhaps they may laugh and smile, but how am I to know I have not done something that made them unhappy?

I remember a time when I yelled the wrong cheer and everyone had to change to mine because I was the loudest. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I’m sure many people are angry too. Somehow, I don’t know why, but I feel that some people are quiet to me and I can just feel that it is difficult to talk to them. I wonder if I have been a bastard and did many hurtful things to them.

Now I wonder if the friends who have been laughing with me, at my jokes and everything, have been truly with me. Whilst I can say that I am completely at ease with my JC clique and I can confide in them a good many things, I can’t say for sure of my university friends. For I fear some of them have bad impressions of me and not many have good impressions of me.

Pardon me, but I just feel depressed. I just can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I made, even when they arn’t mistakes according to others, but they are to me. Haiz.

I went back to camp yesterday after one full year of having ORDed from there last year, for my men’s ORD parade. I also collected the ORD pack (costs $25) which includes my platoon’s Polo Tee Shirt, a velcroed logo, an ORD “magazine”. The photo CD would be given later.

Going there made me wonder. Why am I back? To be honest, the actual reason why I went back wasn’t for the men. I was there with the men for one whole year, from when they entered BMT till I orded and I guess not everyone truly understands me as their commander. Looking back, I remember the time when I told them they made me feel lousy as a specialist. Somehow, I remember certain bad memories.

I went back mainly for the year 1 commanders, who been through everything with me, from ASLC to GCC and then into our respective companies, as well as some regular commanders who also went through thick and thin with me. I also went back for a selective few men who still bothered to call and talk to me, and even MSN me from time to time.

Back in the camp my PS told me that I would be posted to 704 GDS alongside with the men and I will be their reservist PS. A fellow friend who served as Assistant PS in Platoon 2 (Platoon 1 for me), would become my CSM, for he went through the CSM course. When I received more news that other commanders would be in the same reservist battalion as me, I was overjoyed.I think I felt overjoyed because I would be with the commanders. The happiness in my heart wasn’t because I was going to be with my men, or that I was selected to take over as PS.

As I went home and flipped through the ORD magazine and testimonials, I just felt sad. I was only with the men for so little events. They seemed to been through more with the 2nd year commanders.

How many of them actually felt happy that I was going to be their PS? How many are still talking behind my back, reminiscing the times I lost my temper, of which they felt was unjustified and I, justified? How many times have I felt an utter lack of morale because of them, whom I tried my best to care for as a commander, but yet my efforts were mainly unappreciated? No matter how many testimonials were written that expressed happiness of having me as a commander, I just felt an empty void. The both times I went back as a civilian net the same results. I only managed to speak to a few people. The rest couldn’t be bothered.

So how is my result sheet for National Service? Have I done well? I guess not. Seeing the happy faces other men have with their previous commanders, I guess I feel a tinge of jealousy. A sour bitter feeling of being totally unappreciated by most of the men.

I read the whole of the ORD magazine, word by word. I knew how many times my name was ever written in it. I guess I can count with one hand, or rather, half of a hand. The PS whom I have disagreed with for many policies for a large duration of my stint as his section commander and APS, actually wrote about me in his “closing address” and wrote that I was the only commander I ever chosen and he was happy and he has never regretted chosing me. I was touched when he told me he chose me over the 2nd year APS to take over him because I felt appreciated. Oh the irony that it came from someone I disagreed with and nearly hated. As compared to the men whom I’m tried to take care and help them, I guess ultimately, my PS is still the nicest.

I’m really happy that I still have a few men who talked to me and gave me the sense of satisfaction and appreciation. I’m glad that I have LCP Royston in my section whom I can talk anything with. He is actually older than me, but I was his commander. He is the only one who took the initiative to msn me from time to time when he knows that I am online, and is one of the first few to warmly receive me in camp. LCP Jeremy, whom I have pushed and scolded him more than half of the guys in the section, actually became my pride and joy at the end of my 1 year stint. He too, came and took photos with me. That someone actually wanted to take photos with me for memories, I am truly happy. CPL Jun Hao, whom I truly wanted for my section but he was chosen to be PC’s runner, was the first to come to talk to me and even confided in me certain events that happened. I am really touched and glad that I could still be a confidant for someone and that he still appreciates me as a listening year. CFC Si Wei, my own section 2IC, is my biggest regret. Its not that he was poor in performance - rather, he is the best in performance, thus I chose him for my 2IC, but that I felt that I could have done more to bond with him. He is, after all, my own 2IC. He is my pride and joy too, even though he did not get the best soldier in the company. There are times I wished I was the one who gave him his first LCP rank, whom my PS presented to him. There are much more I could have done, but I didn’t. However I am happy that he came to shook hands with me and even took photos with me. I guess, going back wasn’t so bad after all. I have 4 truly nice men whom I guess would truly understand the pain I had of being a commander in between the men and the officers.

I remember an old post I made about appreciating Singapore and that if Singapore ever got itself into a position where military defense was inevitable, I would be here in this tiny island doing my part. I asked myself once again whether I would do it, even though the platoon that I am going to have may not truly like and understand me. I guess I would do it, now and forever, for I have certain friends and bonding with some people who overshadow those who do not like me. I am delighted that my friend 3SG (NS) Ikhwan is going to be my S2 commander, 3SG (NS) Vincent who is going to be my S3 commander. I truly hope that my OC would choose 3SG(NS) Benson as my MG commander. I would really gladly have Benson anytime because he went through shit with me and he knows me better than the other choice, the 2nd year MG commander. For all these people and the 4 special men I have mentioned, I will be here, alongside with them, doing our best, because he who fights alongside with me that day shall be my brother.

Well, no point feeling sad for those who do not appreciate me right? I should feel happy for those who do and make my life memorable. For those who remind me of happy memories, not sad ones. For those that woke up with me everyday at 5.30 (2SG Francis, I have not forgotten you) to go for breakfast with the men. For those who encouraged me when I was down and out. For those who went through GCC with me. For those who gave me strength. For those who treat me like a friend when I am no longer a commander. For those that are truly happy of my appointment as reservist PS. I guess, I’m lucky after all. For how many NSmen can truly say that they have 4 special men and a whole company of special commanders who will go through thick and thin with you? This brotherhood, I will never forget.

Forgive me for being emo but I guess I am truly touched. Thank you 1GDS, Alpha Rawdy Company, Platoon 1, The One and Only.